A day in the life of the 48%: Tim Farron*

6.48am – Not a great start to the day. Sat down with the family to have dippy eggs with soldiers. Bit miffed that the missus gave me a hard-boiled egg. I did, admittedly, ask for a hard-boiled egg. But she foolishly didn’t understand that when I said ‘hard-boiled’, I actually meant ‘soft-boiled’. Duh. Of course, she shouldn’t have asked me in the first place – I was clearly too disengaged to understand the question. Settled for Coco Pops instead.

8.48am – Started doing some canvassing. Vince arrived 30 minutes late, muttering something about ballroom dancing. One voter tried to talk to me about local issues. I told him to smell my spaniel.

10.48am – Took a short break from canvassing. Went on Twitter only to find out that Ladbrokes has put 3-1 odds on me losing my seat in the election. Found it a bit upsetting, to be honest. Still, it might give me a better shot at getting on Strictly.

1.48pm – Had two soft-boiled eggs for lunch – perfectly cooked this time.

2.48pm – Got accosted by an angry Brexit voter. I couldn’t see his horns but they were definitely there. I didn’t tell him to smell spaniel.

3.48pm – These Brexiteers won’t leave me alone! A disgruntled woman asked me how my party is in any way ‘democratic’. Not wanting to appear dim, I quickly Googled its definition and happily explained that all eight of my MPs have demonstrated a very liberal approach to the value of democracy. Clearly a low-information voter…

5.48pm – Phoned up the missus to check that we’re having soft-boiled eggs for dinner. She said we definitely are.

5.50pm – Phoned up the missus again to double-check that we’re having soft-boiled eggs for dinner – just on the off chance that she didn’t understand my question. It’s a very complex query, you see.

5.51pm – The missus confirmed that we’re definitely having soft-boiled eggs for dinner.

6.48pm – Had a quick conference call with the rest of the Progressive Alliance. We brainstormed some cool slogans for a new anti-Brexit poster. Clegg came up with ‘Brutal Brexit’, while Lammy suggested ‘Backward Brexit’. I was pretty adamant that Paul Mason should win with ‘Bad Brexit’. Someone from the Green Party suggested we hold a vote. Everybody laughed.

7.48pm – Took the bus home. A young kid said he recognised me but had forgotten my name. I explained I was one of the 48 per cent. He asked if that was foreign.

10.48pm – Stuck on the telly before bed to check whether Blackburn Rovers had won. They didn’t score but let in three goals. A great victory.

*According to Jacob Furedi.