We need to stop lying to kids about gender

My family recently marked the Jewish festival of Yom Kippur – or the ‘Day of Atonement’ in English. It was the first time my four-year-old son had attended synagogue for Yom Kippur, and I tried my best to explain it in a way he could understand: ‘It’s a day when we think about all of the bad things that we might have done over the past year, and we say sorry, and we try to do better for the new year.’

My son carefully considered what I had said for a minute, and then said, ‘I’m sorry I pushed my baby sister over, mummy’. Naturally, he has since repeated the same offence, but I was still impressed at how quickly he understood the quite grown-up concept of repentance.

Of course, as parents and teachers well know, children can grasp complicated ideas from a young age, if they are presented with the facts and a concept that makes coherent sense to them. Which is why it is so important that we tell children the truth when it comes to important facts of life – presented, of course, in an age-appropriate way.

This is why transgender ideology is such a problem today. It now pervades children’s lives through schools and other activities, distorting truth and reality for young minds.

Take the reports this month that a 17-year-old female footballer faces a ban of up to 12 matches from her county football association for asking a transwoman opponent, ‘Are you a man?’. The girl – who has suspected autism, which can make recognising gender more difficult – also questioned the referee on whether it was safe to play against a transwoman. The opposing team subsequently lodged a complaint of transphobia against the girl, and there will now be a hearing next month to decide her fate.

How would you explain this particular situation to a young child? What are the facts here? The truth is, the 17-year-old girl is right. She was being asked to play girl’s football against a biological male. This poses safety risks, as it would in any contact sport. Once boys have been through puberty, the difference in physical strength between females and males is huge. This is why we separate sport into different female and male categories from a young age.

Not that the FA seems to care. Both football’s governing body and Kick It Out – English football’s anti-discrimination watchdog – are more concerned about protecting the feelings of a teenage boy who wants to play girls’ football than the risks and unfairness of allowing biological males to compete in women’s sport. Indeed, the current FA policy for under-18s has no restrictions on gender or sex, meaning boys identifying as girls can play in girls’ matches. What kind of reality is this creating for children and young people?

A friend of mine told me recently of the experience of having a ‘trans boy’ in her own seven-year-old child’s school class. Both the girl’s parents and the school have decided to ‘affirm’ the child’s ‘gender identity’, and use male pronouns. This meant that the parents of the other children in the class had to tell their children to also play along. Most of her classmates happily went along with it. But is this denial of biological reality something we should be encouraging?

As a parent, it must be heartbreaking to see your young child struggle with their gender. But affirmation is surely not the answer. As the Cass Review showed, the affirmative approach to children expressing confusion over their gender is very risky. It could push them down the dangerous and often irreversible path of medical transitioning.

We as a society also need to consider how the affirmative approach affects even those children who don’t identify as trans. Not only are we lying to them, but also asking them to participate in this lie. This stands in the way of one of the most vital lessons we can teach our children – namely, the importance of the truth.

The Labour government seems likely to make the problem worse. Its new Office for Equality and Opportunity announced plans earlier this month to deliver a ‘trans-inclusive ban on conversion practices’. This could criminalise parents if they refuse to affirm a child’s chosen gender identity. A cross-party group of MPs, doctors and psychiatrists – including Dr David Bell, a former consultant at the Tavistock’s Gender Identity Development Service – has written to prime minister Keir Starmer to raise their concerns. They warn that a ‘slippery slope towards criminalising parents awaits us’.

We are in increasingly dangerous territory when it comes to children and transgender ideology. We are often told that if you are not trans then this shouldn’t concern you. But this concerns all of us. We are being asked to tell our children that boys and girls can be born in the wrong body, and that they can magically become the opposite sex. We are being asked to tell them things that are not true. To imagine that this will not have a significant impact on how these children grow up is a very dangerous delusion indeed.

Naomi Firsht is a writer and co-author of The Parisians’ Guide to Cafés, Bars and Restaurants. Follow her on Twitter: @Naomi_theFirsht