The duds of the Tory beauty contest

The four remaining candidates for Tory leader gave their ‘pick me!’ speeches to the party conference yesterday. The conference itself was an oddly jolly affair considering the scale of the Conservatives’ General Election defeat only a few months ago. But then again, the new Labour government’s first hundred days have been disastrous. And there’s nothing like somebody else’s misfortunes to bring a smile to your face.

What are we to make of the final four? Three of them – Badenoch, Jenrick, Tugendhat – have surnames that sound like AI-generated passwords. The fourth – Cleverly – sounds like an ironic joke. The party as a whole is keen not to repeat The Liz Truss Experience. But this can be avoided by not following her strategy – which was to fight a vast, embedded network by asking them politely to help you destroy them, and then being taken by surprise when they destroy you instead.

Let’s have a look at the remaining contenders and what we learned from their conference addresses.

Tom Tugendhat, the first of two ex-military men, has the feel of a doomed soldier in a Second World War film that might pass a Sunday afternoon courtesy of a nostalgia channel somewhere fairly far down the TV listings. Showing the photo of his new bride around the mess. ‘Just need this flight to qualify for my leave, chaps.’ And then, inevitably, ‘Tuggers had a prang and bought it over Calais’, followed by a knock at the door of a tiny Chelsea flat. He is memorable mainly for being unmemorable.

‘My friends, I’ve had enough of Westminster’s political games, petty point-scoring and self-service’, he told the conference, which for a candidate for party leader is a bit like going to a job interview and telling the panel: ‘I’d be the best person for this post because I would despise absolutely everything about it.’

Next up was the second ex-squaddie, James Cleverly. He is amiable enough, and has a likeable quality. He is the most popular of the contenders among the public – or rather, among the small section of the public that is following the Tory leadership race and can recognise the selection. He looks like a laugh, good company, which none of the others do. But he has the kind of likeability that we feel for a slightly dopey mate, and that is not what you want from a leader.

He is also prone to gaffes and blunders, and odd claims. His telling the conference ‘Let’s be more normal!’ was actually an incredibly stupid thing to say – the textbook don’t of repeating your enemies’ criticism of you. It is potentially as disastrous as Theresa May’s ‘nasty party’ remark. Voters may say they want politicians to be more normal, but this is not true. They actually want politicians to be competent. They’d be happy with the Munsters running the country if they did it properly.

The MPs’ favourite, Robert Jenrick, gives me the vibe of someone who just had his lunch money snatched by Gripper Stebson. A 12-year-old sent off on his first day of big school with hair brushed by mother, carrying a briefcase. Now if Keir Starmer is the son of a toolmaker, Jenrick Sr was a man of iron, which junior used as a tortuous metaphor to eulogise Mrs Thatcher – ‘A woman as strong as the iron cast in my dad’s foundry’ is how he described her in his speech. She left office when he was nine years old. Jenrick talks very tough, but he is one of those men who will always look like a little boy, and I’m afraid that matters.

Finally, we have Kemi Badenoch, a serious voice. And let’s be serious. If you were in a matter-of-life-and-death situation – and for the Conservative Party, this is one – who would you pick? Not a drinking buddy, or a chum, but someone serious – for that is, after all, what the party needs. Watching Tory MPs hesitating and vacillating about Badenoch (for the second time!) is agonising. It’s like watching a big-money quiz show where you know the answer, and the contestant doesn’t. She is clearly so much better than the others, just like the last time, when the MPs rejected her for a choice between Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss, like rejecting a speedboat for the dustbin. They can’t be mad enough to do it again. Can they?

But then again, do the Tories need to do anything much to get back into power? Starmer didn’t. He just sat back and let it flow. The volatility of the modern electorate, our bonkers first-past-the-post system and the very small swing needed to destroy Labour’s majority achieved on a pitiful turnout mean that the Tories may end up back in government by default. If Starmer and Co continue to govern for the next four and a half years as they have in their first hundred days, I’ve a feeling that a Tory Party led by a bowl of cornflakes, a gnu or Su Pollard would be back in power in 2029.

Gareth Roberts is a screenwriter and novelist, best known for his work on Doctor Who.